
I've always wanted a tattoo of some sort. I envy people that have the balls to just get one if they want one. Some people are just cool enough to not worry that their portrait of a loved one will turn into Droopy Dog when time finally catches up with their toned youthful body, or that that meaningful message written in an exotic language that probably just reads 'stupid foreign cock' will someday be lost within the contours of their plump stomach one day. They are permanent. How scary is that?!
Not so scary to a lot of people, apparently. My favourite gay crush Brody Dalle just didn't care that one day when she's a sweet old pensioner, her wrinkly, frail arm will be screaming 'FUCK OFF' at the nice young man helping her across the road with her Bag for Life stuffed full with semolina.

Then again, that's the whole point of a tattoo. Isn't half the reason of getting one to mark yourself away from the mainstream population and rebel, to be non-conformist, through your looks? That's all well and good, but according to the rock-solid, infallible source that is Wikipedia, 36% of Americans ages 18–25, 40% of those 26-40 and 10% of those 41-64 have a tattoo. That's a lot of people. Surely I have a good excuse to not rebel, because rebelling seems to not be rebelling anymore. Being different is actually being the same, therefore to get a tattoo that doesn't mean anything just for the sake of getting a tattoo is pointless.
I still want one.
I'd go for it big time. Even if it makes me look like a dyke. Proper women's prison tattoos so that people either think I'm a Suicide Girl wannabe or someone that is teetering on the brink on sanity. Someone you wouldn't jump in front of in a queue at Tescos in case she shoves the bottle of whatever insane bottle of alcohol she is carrying right up your bum-bum.
You either do it or you don't, no faffing about with a small picture of a grain of sand in between my toes, not even a tramp stamp that's hidden all the time, I'd go full whack. Which is why I haven't got them.
I'm quite glad I'm a wimp really.
This one's for you Kara. You recently said that people with face tattoos are the ones that clean our streets, but I think you might want to rethink that. I'm not sure if the girl below is capable of cleaning her ears.
A Belgian teenager is attempting to sue a tattoo artist, because she now has 56 stars tattooed on her face after only asking for three.
I went to Belgium once. This story doesn't surprise me, I stayed in a youth hostel where there were wasps nesting next to what they called a bed, which was actually a ancient tiny bunkbed where instead of slats lay broken wire mesh so everytime my mate sat her bottom down on the top, she would sink all the way through and leave me with sharp shiny metal stuff near my face. Friendly. Even the girl next door's complementary coach chocolate had maggots in. Every day we went out and wandered around in the rain in the muddy trenches where all the dysentery happened and went to see how many gravestones there were for people that had died for us. Lovely place.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/belgium/5551636/Girl-has-56-stars-tattooed-on-face-after-falling-asleep.html
To cut a long and hilarious story short, she said her dad urged her to get a tattoo, as everyone in her family had one and it was part of tradition. So she logically decided to get stars on her face while her dad waited outside eating an icecream. She asked for three, fell asleep in the chair, woke up looking like the Australian flag after a breakout of acne. All apparently because the tattoo artist couldn't speak French fluently and got muddled up between 3 and 56.
There are a few fundamental flaws here.
1. Trying to look like Kat Von D is all well and good, but only Kat Von D can pull it off. It's no use realising this after a permanent tattoo and blaming the tattooist, who considering the tattoo, actually did a half-decent job. Kat Von D, Maori people, and the Zabrak race from Star Wars are the only beings that are allowed to have facial tats.
2. Why would someone fall asleep while having three tiny stars drawn on their face, surely you'd only get half an hour's worth of sleep at most. I'd rather sacrifice that half an hour to stay awake while someone was shoving needles in my face.
3. How can you sleep when someone is shoving needles in your face. Is she one of those types that can fall asleep standing in the shower?
4. How can you get 3 and 56 confused. I'd understand 3 and 53... Surely noone is that stupid.
5. That must have been a big fucking icecream.
6. Why would a successful tattooist want to bring career suicide upon himself and waste ink, resources and time by tattooing 53 extra stars on someone's face just for shits and giggles? I feel sorry for the bloke.
7. Surely there's disclaimers on some kind of form you sign for this kind of thing?!

All in all, it's probably more likely that her parents freaked out when they actually saw what tattoo she had chosen, and she tried to pass the buck onto the tattooist, or she realised she had been a stupid twat, and her self-preservation defence mechanisms kicked into gear.
Idiot.
However, the prize for the funniest segment of the story goes to the psychologist the media talked to about what kind of mental instability the girl will have in future, you know, the life-wrecking stuff that papers love. Get ready for this, I actually lol'd.
"Jules Clocher, a Belgian psychologist, said: 'The trauma this girl must be feeling is indescribable. She feels like a circus freak - and no wonder, because she looks like one.' "
I think that deserves a golf clap.
*Cue golf clap*
Good game, Mr Psychologist. You're really doing your job well mate, keep up the good work.

On a side note :
You know how I missed a big chunk of Star Trek because I really badly needed to pee? I will fear missing the destruction of Vulcan no longer!
Runpee.com is a site which tells you the optimal time within the film to go release that bucket of Fanta you shouldn't have had without missing too much. It even gives you a cue of a line someone says, just so you don't miss the minute when you're supposed to go.
I presume it says that all of The Matrix Revolutions is optimal peeing quality time, apart from that one bit when Neo looks particularly cool, but I'm too scared to look in case I burst into floods of salty tears because of what might have been.

































